I Can't Tell You (How Much You're Hurting Me)
by popculturecray
Summary: River goes looking for her Doctor. The one after New York.


River spends a month with the Doctor before she returns to her life.

They say farewell with a quick wave, because the Doctor doesn't like goodbyes, but River doesn't really think it's a goodbye.

She doesn't see him very often after they say goodbye that time. She doesn't see the Doctor that knows her as well as the last one did at least. She does see a Doctor that knows her, which is rare by itself, of course but she realizes early on that she never sees the Doctor that has experiences New York. That has lost Amy and Rory. Granted, River never sees her mum or dad, but she can tell by the less lines on his face and the spark in his eyes, she hasn't seen yet.

This is not the Doctor that knows.

At first she writes it off. This was supposed to happen, she had only really gotten lucky in New York. Or unlucky, she supposes. She just smiles when a younger Doctor takes her away and doesn't think anything of it. But the idea sticks in her mind, until she can't let the thought go. When the Doctor drops her off at her quaint flat, she grabs the vortex manipulator, and heads out.

To find that Doctor.

It's easier than it should be. He's already in trouble. Not the kind he gets into all the time, but the real, regeneration-in-danger, kind. The kind he usually asks her help on.

She's sees the Tardis from where she is standing, crouched down behind a rock. And yes, she feels silly, but she doesn't know what this Doctor is particularly mad about with her. So she stands and waits, cursing him for still not repainting the bloody thing, when he steps out.

She will not admit that her heart skips a beat. She quickly scolds herself for being such a bloody schoolgirl.

A woman steps out behind him. His new traveling mate, she supposes. A pretty one, maybe prettier than Amy. Definitely her.

She crouches down a little more, but its a tall rock and she not that worried.

Not about the rock anyway.

She supposes she could get up now. If they walk in, they might fly off. And all of her kind-of hard work would be for nothing.

The woman is now rubbing a hand on the Doctor's back. A slight gesture, but enough to show her how close the two have become.

Good for him, she thinks, And says a few choice words as well. Because when you're a bitter old woman, and you see your husband with a beautiful young girl, you're allowed to curse him. Just for a second.

They head back in, the Doctor has finished brooding, and River stands up and stretches her back. She takes a step, and stops. This is stupid. Maybe she's overreacting.

Despite this, she begins walking, steadily. Because if the Tardis starts disappearing right now, she will cry. Like really cry.

And River Song will not cry over the Doctor.

She reaches the Tardis door sooner than expected. The old broad lets her in at ease and River takes a slow pride in knowing that she has missed her. She steps in quietly, really not sure what her plan is here. And is greeted with a whole different Tardis. And she doesn't register the blueness of it, or how it lights up. She registers the Doctor, sitting there with Amy's stupid reading glasses on his face, reading. She hears distinct banging from the other room.

The new girl, she supposes.

The Doctor decides to look up then. And they stare at each other for a beat. And then the perky girl from outside comes out and says,

The souffle is ready, if you want some.

She stops beside the Doctor, who is still staring at River and puts a hand on his shoulder.

And River Song might just shoot that daft girl now.

The woman finally sees her, standing there with what she hopes is a serene expression. Or an intimidating one. Either works.

"Oh Hello!" The woman swiftly walks towards her and extends her hand, and River just stands there rotating from staring at her hand to the Doctor. "Doctor didn't say anything about company. You aren't an enemy, yeah? I'm Clara." She doesn't know if it's the look on "Clara"'s face or the Doctor's, or maybe it's the fact that this, whatever, does not know who she is.

But River Song walks out of the Tardis.

She hears some rustling coming from inside, but she is too focused on getting her manipulator to work right.

"River! Wait!" Doctor shouts. She quickly slows her pace, because he can still effect her when he wants to. He grab her arms and she pulls away. She thinks that huge tears are running down her face, but she really doesn't want to wipe them away.

Maybe he needs to see the hurt he's caused.

She doesn't know why, but she really just wants an apology and an explanation. Then she will go, and move on. He obviously had.

"I'm sorry, River. Really." First one, check. She should just take that and leave it.

But the increasingly pretty girl, Clara, is standing behind him, and even though she's positively in love with the Doctor, she still doesn't want him to be happy. At least without her.

"Didn't even tell her who I am? Wow, that's really low. Was I not supposed to notice when you didn't show up? At least the you that I wanted." Doctor's not looking at her now. Which is fine, because she can't really look him in the eye during this rant, or she might just collapse. That would not be good.

"I waited for weeks, waiting for you to come back, so that we could go see planets again, like we used too. I did not think that losing," She pauses. It's hard for her to say their names as well. "Them, meant that I was going to lose you too." She pauses again. He's looking at her, but not really, and it pisses her off to no end.

"I did not think that leaving the Tardis, meant that you were breaking up me." Silence.

River, almost, think that she goes to far. Technically, he didn't break up with her. So that fact was a little off. She stands for a moment, because she really wants him to do, something.

The Doctor finally looks at her then, for a beat and everything is silent, save for a fire crackling somewhere. And then slowly, River brings up her arm, and types on her vortex manipulator.

Get the hell out of here.

Of course she doesn't type that, but she does type her address, and almost pushes the button too. She looks back up at the Doctor and nods her head. Because she honestly does not think that she will get anything out of him. She looks past him, barely, but enough to see the smaller girl behind him. "It was very nice to meet you. I apologize for the inconvenience." River doesn't really know why she apologizes, but this is the new Amy, and she had to say sorry to Amy a lot.

She turns around, finger ghosting on the go button.

"I see you, I see them." He whispers, and she almost doesn't catch it. "I see you, and I see a life that you should be living. Without me to bugger it all up for you." She turns to him and he is crying, and so is Clara, which makes River dislike her a little less. "I already messed up a lot of Ponds lives. I don't want to do that to you." River walks towards him, slowly, and cups his face in her hands.

"You make my life that much better. I'm without my parents, Doctor, I just really need you." His tears are soaking her long sleeves and she quickly kisses his cheeks, because she did lie before. The Doctor thrives on happiness. And he makes everyone else so much happier in the process. River pulls away, and pecks his lips. She's allowed to do that right? She slips out of his arms and turns toward the woman standing behind him, quickly wiping her tears from her face. She is so pretty. Like really really pretty. "Hi. Sorry about that. Did you say something about souffles?" Clara sputters, but nods. River smiles her most winningest smile. "I love souffles! May I try a bite?"

Clara smiles too, which just makes her whole face even nicer. "Of course, anything for a "friend" of Doctor's." And the way she says friend, with so much innuendo in it, makes River laugh and wrap her arms around the brunette's shoulders.

She turns toward the Doctor as they walk toward the new Tardis. "Am I allowed to stay, Doctor?" She emphasizes his name, just so he knows it's a hypothetical question.

"Please do."


End file.
